Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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