You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
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...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
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Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄