The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
