My room smells like vodka and shame
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
