Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
