I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
