Whod you bang
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
