Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
