This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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