I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need moral support for this bender
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
