Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
