If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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