I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
