my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
