but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
