I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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