you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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