last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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