I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
