if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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