Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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