I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
