Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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