my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No subtext here. People are naked.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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