i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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