if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
