i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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