I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
