im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
