i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
