9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
