Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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