Don't make out with my wife yet
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
