I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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