Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
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I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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