have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
