why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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