the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.