Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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