You just made me feel so damn special
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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