I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
