peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
