xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
