I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
