I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
