Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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