why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
this will be a night to untag.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
