Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
