I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The air taste purple.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
