He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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