Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
