i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
