it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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