I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
