Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
