when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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