ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.