My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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