between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So vagazzling was a success
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
