This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
