Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
