Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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