Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
