I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I need moral support for this bender
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
