I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
